Stupid, Heartless Decisions
by monique95
Summary: Bellamy yells at Clarke in the rover on the way to pick up Raven, calling her decisions stupid and heartless in anger. Clarke breaks at his words and Bellamy regrets them as soon as they leave his mouth. Takes please in The Chosen of season 4. Bellarke


**Hi friends.**

 **As usual, the characters are not my own.**

 **Please review as I'm always looking to make improvements.**

Clarke's POV

Bellamy, Murphy, Emori and I were in the rover on the way to pick up Raven from Becca's lab on the island. Bellamy and I were in the front and the air between us was so thick you could cut the tension with a knife.

"Why did you come on this mission, Clarke?" he asked directly without turning to look at me.

"Raven is my friend," I insisted. He refused to look at me so I hoped my voice held all the sincerity I intended it to.

"Yesterday you were fine with leaving your _friend_ out to die, my sister too and Kane," he responded with a hint dubiousness, still not looking at me.

"I was never _fine_ with that and you know that," I replied strongly. I was desperate for him to look at me, to see the honestly in my expression but he refused. The coldness remained in his eyes. I expected this reaction, I aimed a gun at him when he tried to save his sister and the grounders. I deserved every bit of his animosity, I knew that. It didn't make my heart clench any less though.

"Bellamy, I never meant to hurt you," I tried again. I needed him to believe me.

"Aiming a gun at me puts that into question," he answered icily.

"I didn't pull the trigger," I appealed. It was a weak shot but eliciting any reaction other than anger would have helped at this point. 

"That makes it okay?" He questioned dubiously. I expected that.

"Nothing is okay. Whatever choice I make somebody always dies," my voice was firm this time. My tone must have surprised him because he turned to look at me for the first time since we got into the rover. If I'm being honest, it was probably the first time he looked at me since I had the gun pointed at him.

"Yeah well when you make stupid, heartless decisions all the time, that's what happens," he started, "the great Wanheda, killing everyone in her path," he mocked angrily. He was staring at me now. His face was no longer blank but it brimmed with animosity. My eyes met his with fear and desperation. I didn't want him to look at me anymore.

"Bellamy, I never wanted anyone to die," I cried desperately.

"Of course, you didn't," he mocked, "all the grounders, those people at Mount Weather. You would have killed me if it meant you could survive. You don't think about anyone but yourself," he spat. The words seeming to run from his lips faster than his brain could process.

I broke at hearing this. Tears started streaming down my face, but this time, they were angry tears.

"You know that's not true!" I cried, "I would never have done anything to put your life at risk if I didn't think I was doing the right thing. I would never kill **anyone** if I didn't have to," I finished, my hands angrily punching the rover door. My tears were coming down like a waterfall. It broke my heart to hear that was what he thought of me.

I sighed resigned. He was right. I was a monster. I was the one who deserved to die in Praimfaya, not anyone else.

"I would have done anything to save our people, to save _you_ ," I whispered brokenly, my head falling to the back of the seat, I give up. I didn't want to fight with him anymore.

The tense silence lasted a few more minutes. I didn't dare to look at him again, not wanting to see the hatred on his face. Hatred he had for me. I continued to cry quietly in my seat as he ignored me. My quiet sobs were the only sound to break the deafening silence.

After a few minutes I looked back towards the road and saw a group of grounders. The rover was headed straight for them.

"Look out!" I cried.

 **Back at the lab. The team have begun work on the rocket.**

 **Bellamy's POV**

I was talking to Raven about our escape plan. It would be challenging but we could do it. We had to.

In the corner of my eye I saw Clarke on the platform, checking algae and water numbers. I needed to apologise to her.

I felt regret for losing it at her in the rover. I knew she just doing what she thought was right but the words fell from my lips faster than I could stop them. Of course, I knew Clarke would never sacrifice my life for her own. The fact that she didn't shoot me was a testament to that, she couldn't even hurt me when she thought I was putting hundreds of lives on the line. She certainly wasn't the monster, the commander of death, that I accused her of being. She wouldn't sentence thousands of people to die if she didn't have to.

I excused himself from my conversation with Raven and alighted the stairs. I approached her slowly, not wanting her to think I was here to continue our argument.

"Clarke," I called quietly, "can I talk to you for a second?" I asked.

She looked up and nodded. Her head lifted but she avoided my eyes. I was surprised at her quick compliance. It seemed had truly given up.

Her expression was full of apprehension and fear. She thought I was going to yell at her again. She was scared of me.

"I'm not going to fight with you again, don't be scared," I assured her quietly. The apprehension on her face was breaking my heart. She nodded and the fear seemed to diminish at my words but it remained in traces. I hated that she was scared of me.

"Clarke, I didn't mean that. I know you would never have sacrificed your life for mine, "I started softly, slowly moving closer to her, "I know that you would never have killed all those people without cause," I said solemnly.

I stopped for a second. I was only an arm's length away from her at this point but she hung her head and refused to look at him. I moved a little closer and lifted her chin with my pointer finger. She sighed but raised her eyes to mine without a fight. My gaze held hers for a few seconds before speaking again, I needed to show her that I was sincere in my apology. She seemed to understand that and looked into my eyes as I started speaking again.

"I never meant any of that. I was just angry and I couldn't stop the words from coming out," I whispered.

Her eyes fell from mine once again.

"You were right. I am a monster, "she whispered brokenly.

"Wanheda indeed," she spat bitterly, turning her head as she said this, before letting it sink again.

"I deserve to let Praimfaya take me. I deserve to pay for all the lives I've taken."

"Clarke, no, "I said firmly, lifting her head so she met my eyes again, "You don't have to take all the blame here. I killed those people on Mount Weather too, those grounders? That was me too," I insisted. Her words made my heart clench. What had I done?

"You don't deserve to die. You've saved thousands of people too. You've saved us countless times. We need you," I paused, "I need you," I said. My voice dropping to a shattered whimper at the end.

Tears streamed down her face but I didn't notice my own until she raised her hands to my cheek and wiped them away with her thumb.

I pulled her into a hug, one hand held onto her waist so tightly my fingers dug into her hip and the other moved to cradle her head. I felt her burrow into my neck, her still- streaming tears followed its path. I followed suit, and burrowed my face as deeply into her hair as I could. It seems like both of us were trying to get impossibly closer to each other. We felt too much grief and sadness to say anything else but this embrace said more than words ever could. It held forgiveness, desperation and determination, everything we were feeling at that moment.

We held each other for what seemed like an eternity, if only we had an eternity. Once we pulled away I pressed a soft kiss to her hair and leaned my chin on her head, holding her there. She didn't seem in a rush to move either so we stayed in that position until an abrupt voice called our names.

"Clarke, Bellamy get over here," Monty's voice called.

We sighed and pulled away, but before moving I needed to tell her one more thing.

"You are not dying, you understand me? Your fight is not over. _Our_ fight is not over."

"Okay," she agreed with a small smile. I matched her smile and we started down the stairs to see what the problem was.


End file.
